I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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