She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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