She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
