So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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