ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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