cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
