So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
