what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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