the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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