ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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