Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
