Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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