I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
