dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
