I'm gonna have a badass scar
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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