I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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