If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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