Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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