Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
