Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
