Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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