you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize