Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
