I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
