I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
