Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
