There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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