I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
