So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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