Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
