Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
