I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.