Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She needs sedatives and a leash
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.