New low: just hacked my moms facebook
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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