I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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