u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
