Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
