you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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