I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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