mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
