Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
BRING THE BAGELS
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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