Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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