I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
