you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
