Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
