a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
