your parents love me but you hate me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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