Having a random hookup so left but love u
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
