dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
