Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
