I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
