I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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