k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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