you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
