Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
