I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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