I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
