He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
