We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
