so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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